1. If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is and equal & opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other body parts feel good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time the ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must chose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.
26.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27.He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
28.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
29.Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
30.Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
31.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
32.If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
33.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
34.The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
35.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
36.Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
37.The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
38.A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
39.When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
1 comment:
I must say, I thorougly enjoyed this entry...
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
26.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Too good.
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