Wake me up!!!

Its not hard to tell that I have had a rough couple of months. As I sit here day after day, night after night, going on facebook and doing myspace surveys, I wonder to myself what the heck happened? I was doing so good, I was in College, living with friends, in control of my own life. Now, no school, no job, and frankly my grandma runs my life. Sometimes, most of the time, I get so sad I feel so low that I just say God wake me up from this nightmare! Because this can not possibly be my life. How Did I let this happen to myself? WHAT EVEN HAPPENED? Where did I make a wrong turn? and when and where can I make a U-turn and go back to my real life? what am i supposed to do now? where am i headed? so many questions and no answers! God help me! I want my productive life back!!!
-Venda

Puppets.

I have recently come to realize that when we attend concerts, any type... we become the puppets of the people on stage. Its true, you do it, I do it, your mom and dad do it. We do whatever they tell us to, no matter how ridiculous it is... don't deny it! they say "jump!" and you do, they tell us to repeat something, and we do. I don't understand why... but the most curious thing to me is that we do it without questioning it or thinking twice... they just say it and we immediately do it. Wouldn't that be great if we did that with GOD? i mean GOD tells us to do something and instead of immediately going to action, we think twice (or more) and ask about it. we do have free will, its true that GOD gave it to us so we wouldn't be puppets, but why is it that we use it on GOD's commands, but not the people on stage? think about it...

life update.

Mylife has been a little ruff lately, not gonna lie. I got Kicked out of SDSU for bad grades, I had to move out of ADX because I have no money, and I can't go to school this semester because I have no money, and because of moving, i can no longer attend flood because it is too far for a person with no car. But, despite everything that is going wrong, GOD is still here and things are actually ok. I am living with my Grandma in Chula Vista, ao that means occasional car usage to visit the people I love. and I have better job opportunities. I also found a local church here that i really like.
Pray for me :)
<3 Venda 125D

Self Discovery

Sometimes life seems just peachy, maybe that is the time to look inside yourself and find out things about you that even you didn't know!Thats what happened to me... kinda. Actually I wasn't looking, it just sort of hit me, unexpectedly. I found out things about myself that I am still trying to fully comprehend. The tings I now know are hard, but I know God knew I was ready. If this had been revealed to me this time last year, I would have freaked out and died. (not really but you know what I mean.). I now realize that I have to know these things in order to move on in my life, no matter how hard it is. Well, Im not very good at ending these things. Until next time.

All at once.

Several things seem to be happening all at once in my life right now. Some are bad and some are hard, and still others are just change I'm not really read for. I feel like I am going through all of this and I am doing it alone. That is probably the hardest part. I feel like there is no one I can talk to and seek help from. I feel like no one is really listening or no one really cares. Its like the people (or person) who I am supposed to go to and want to go to, isn't here. I know my problems are insignificant, especially compared to those of some other people. But I wish there was someone that could help me. Someone who actually cared and didn't pretend.

The Break is over... At least it should be...

This past semester I grew so much and got so much better at spending quality time with GOD. Then, summer came... I guess I automatically thought a break from school = a break from GOD. Since summer started I think I have had GOD time once... not good. And its not like I don't have the time, I do nothing all day. Ha. No wonder everything seems to be going wrong in my life. I know that when I spend the time with him, he is there for me, but when I ignore him, how can I expect him to help me? Well, thats it! I am tired of this constant bad feeling and everything in my life going wrong. Its time to spend time with GOD.
I am sorry GOD for neglecting our time together. I am coming back to you!

Until next time...

Hurt

Does God put us in pain and hurt us to teach us stuff? or do we put ourselves through it, when the lesson can be learned an easier way? I hate feeling the way I do. I feel like maybe I am setting myself up for what keeps happening. I think I am making it better and that things are going to change, but they never do, and Just end up being disappointed and hurt... again. I'm tired of feeling like this, but I know if I try to stop it for good, there is someone else who would be hurt. Even tho they continually hurt me, I don't want to make anyone feel this bad. If they only knew how I feel, then maybe it would get better. I have told them before but maybe this time will work. Kind of like third time is the charm... maybe, Ill just have to do it and find out, but if I get hurt again, maybe its over...

Bitter-Sweetness and sore feet.

Did you know that if you walk around on a hardwood floor all day with no shoes on, ant the end of the day your feet will really hurt. So the past week or so everyone has been moving around. And yesterday/today was the day that I really felt the change. I am so glad to have all these new people living here and i really like our new room set up. But it hit me today really hard... N more Fatty room :( i am so sad to be losing a great roommate. yea i know she will just be in the room next door, but its really sad. and i also realized that some of the girls i lived with for a semester are in different houses now. I guess im just not a big fan of change...

New...

Today a lot of things are new... For one my age haha. yesterday was my birthday ad i must say... It was Fabulous! I love Everyone who did stuff for me! Big Sis for planning a party and, along with Ferrari and Corvette, taking me shopping. Thanks! Two Amazing Pledge sisters who came 2-3 hours just to be with me. Two other Amazing Pledge sisters who came. All the wonderful peeps who came to my party. Banjo the lamp= Most creative/one of the best presents ever! My Fatties... The sheets and notebook- Need i say more? Cousin Jig I do love Piglet. Krio and Lugi... Finally a new Bible!:) AP and Pop-Tart- preety flowers. Bembers I love the inspirational study gnome. Quill and Shonen Hello Kitty thanks. Armani... Dinner haha. Lalo and Crush thanks for the fire. Thank You. I LOVE YOU ALL!

Whats Going on??????

I am not going through an easy time in my life. Not gonna Lie, life is hard a stressful. Yea school is done for the summer, but that doesn't mean that life is all-of-the-sudden better. But for some reason, i am alright now. There is a huge chance that i am going to fail-out if state. I didn't do so well this past year and now i am receiving the consequences. I may be on academic probation for another semester, which I would actually be alright with because I know that i will be alright. But if I cant go here anymore that hurts a lot more... no school, no ADX, really no more of this good life. Thats really scary to me, the potential of losing all these girls in my life who have helped me so much this past year. And besides school there is still i$$ues and family drama. But, Despite all this stress and potential heartache, I am alright. I know GOD has a perfect plan for me. whether if it is staying here or not. and i know that even if i can't be in ADX they will still be my friends. GOD has assured me not to worry about school, he knows what needs to be done and where I am going. I trust him completely and I know i will be ok. The end.

What Time Is It?....

SUMMERTIME! Yay! finals are done and summer is here! Praise GOD! these three months have been long awaited. have a great summer! peace out!!

letting go

If it isn't enough that its finals week and i am getting sick. but i just received the news that my great-grandma died. we weren't super-duper close, but close enough for this to really hurt. i know she was old and lived a good life, but i don't think we are really ever ready to let go of people.
i am recently realizing that it is hard for me to let go of things. when something happens, i tend to hold on to it and not move on. something that i am learning is that i need to live more in the moment, that sounds wrong. what i mean is i need to enjoy things while they are happening and not hold on and wish they were still happening. i know i do this out of fear. i am scared of the future and what is going to happen in my life, so i live on the hope that it is just my past re-happening so i can control it. I need to just let go. Let go of the past, let go of the past hurts and past happiness. it does not benefit me or anyone else to hold on. i know when i do let go, GOD is there i don't need to hold on to all these things and i know it, it is a good realization, but now i just need to actually do it. the end.

Life is a RollerCoaster...full of ups and downs.

Its true there are really easy and fun times (highs) but then there are extremely hard times that we go through (lows). But there are also these awkward points where you don't know which way you are going. It is hard work getting to the high and happy points. why is it so easy to fall into the tough times? it seems like once one bad thing happens more bad things seem to follow. I recently fell far down on a steep down, i sat at the bottom for a while. Then it seemed like i was working my way back up, but the further I go up, i still fall back a little, its like i take one step forward and two steps back. but it is good i am moving forward again. Every time this happens in my life, it gets easier. Now i know that when i turn to GOD and keep him in the center of my life, I know i will make it through. So even though i am having some minor set backs, i know in the end i will make it. THE END!

something good that recently happened: Burton is now my Big Bro. YAY!

Broken...

Yesterday was a hard day. Going along through the day i just felt so attacked. Not attacked by the people who were saying things, but by el diablo. It felt like every sore-spot in my life was brought up and attacked. Things of the present and things of the past. Painful memories came back to me. I tried to ignore it, but i couldn't stop thinking about it. I talked about it, it helped a little. I tried to sleep it off, but i couldn't sleep. Then, came my breakdown. sometimes just crying and listening to the words of a really good friend can help a lot. I realized that sometimes GOD lets us get knocked down just so he can pick us up and comfort us. it is nice to know that GOD wants to be there and loves us so much. But getting to that point is really hard, because the feeling of being completely broken is not a good feeling. But sometimes it needs to happen in order to grow. the end

Caffefine...

You know that time at the end of the year when everybody is crazy with making new year resolutions like "im gonna exercise everyday!" or "im gonna eat healthy!". Most people last about two weeks, a month if they are lucky. Well this past 07 new years, i decided to give up soda for 2008. no big deal right? well i have come to realize that i was addicted to that stuff. The first few weeks were good, but then i really missed it, but i never gave in. Now, here it is five months later and i am definitely feeling the effect. Soda gave me the only caffeine that made me stay awake and not tired. Now i am noticing that i need it because i am so tired. but i cant give up, i have made it so far. i have started drinking coffee to fill the caffeine void, but coffee has a strange effect on me, just ask one of the few people who have seen me haha. but yea i dont know what to do anymore i am always super tired and i fall asleep all the time. the end

Life...

What am i doing to myself? I might be setting myself up for pain and sadness... again. I don't want to keep doing this to myself. But I feel like this time its right. I know that people are just looking out for me and care about me. But they don't know what I know. But what if they are right? what if its just another setup? what if i am just letting myself get hurt again? I dont know what to do anymore. If i keep going the way i am i know what is going to happen. But what if that is what is supposed to happen but i prevent it. I guess i have a lot of praying to do. PEACE!

Funny

I was reading some old e-mails and stuff and i came across these and they are funny and i feel the need to share.

1. If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is and equal & opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other body parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time the ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must chose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.

26.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27.He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

28.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

29.Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

30.Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

31.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

32.If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

33.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

34.The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

35.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

36.Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

37.The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

38.A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

39.When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

My passion... Louisiana...

I know part of my calling in life. It is to go to Louisiana and serve the victims of the Katrina hurricanes. yes i know that was like 5 years ago, but believe it or not, things are still not ok down there.I know this is where i am supposed to be because God told me. I have been there twice in the past two years to help. The second time i went, spring break 2007, was when i found out. It was an amazing trip and when it was over i didn't want to leave. When i got back to school i was fighting with myself i wondered why am i here writing a stupid essay when i could be helping those poor people who need it so badly. I contemplated dropping out of college and moving to New Orleans and serving there. I talked to my closest and most trusted friends and family to see what i should do. To my surprise they all told me that they could tell that was my true passion and that i should do it. Even my mom told me that if that was truly what i wanted that i should do it and she would support me 100%. So here i was wanting and ready to leave school to go live in a completely different environment with absolutely no plan, and the approval of my mother. But, i didn't go through with it (obviously). What was holding me back from doing the one thing i wanted more than anything? GOD. I knew that if i was serious about this then i needed to seek the wisdom of GOD. I expected rejection, i expected him to say this is not where you belong, but once again i was pleasantly surprised by the answer i received. GOD told me that that was his plan, but not at that time, he would tell me when to go. so i know i am going i just don't know when.
Lately i have been feeling it, i want to know so bad when! but i need to be patient and trust that GOD will let me know clearly when i am ready. He is revealing more stuff to me about it and even tho it is so scary, it is really cool to be starting to know where my life is going. PEACE!

The Drama in my own head...

I am beginning to add to my own confusion. I don't understand the things going on in my own head anymore. I know i can control my own thoughts, but what about my feelings? I am unsure of what is happening, and so i don't know how to deal with it. I seek the help of my closest friends, but they can't help me because i cannot begin to explain what is happening in my head. I wonder, am i letting myself believe that the confusion of others is my own fault? I am beginning to stress myself out with this. I don't know whats going on with me. Scary. I need to take some GOD and me time and figure it out and once again understand my own thoughts.
On a different note, my namesake Glen, may be having kidney failure, and if so, my Dad is going to see if he is a match so he can give a kidney. Scary. I haven't talked to my mom in over three weeks and its starting to negatively affect my life. Anyways thats all. Peace.

Quote for the day- "If you were a kiss I know I'd be a hug."- song in Juno

Confusion...

Disclaimer: Its very late (or early, depends on how you look at it.) so this blog may or may not make any sense...

Sometimes the things that you think totally don't affect you and are normal, are actually the most confusing things. I feel like other people are the ones confusing me. They put things into my head and i begin to question my true thought and feelings. It is scary because after a while, i may not know what is my true thoughts and what is from others. I don't want to mess this up by reading into what people say. However, I would like to know if it is true or not just for my own peace of mind and my own sanity. But even if i do know, i don't think it will change. Some things are just good how they are and shouldn't be ruined by the truth. I really do not like this feeling of confusion, i feel completely lost and i constantly second-guess myself. its like I'm running behind a train and I'm like a foot behind it, but i just cant get it, but whenever i get close i am scared to grab on because I'm not sure if its really there or if I'm just psyching myself out. does that make any sense? probably not. I am just really confused right now and i am not sure if the confusion will go away soon or not. But i guess only time will tell.
I think i am being slightly over dramatic. Although, i do tend to get like that sometimes. Its hard because i completely avoided drama in high school, so now when something even slightly dramatic happens in my life, i am unsure of how to handle it because i never really did, so i tend to do this sometimes. :) o well I'll live. PEACE!

Quote for the day: " AY BAY BAY."- Anyone and Everyone.